Starting
out, we immediately found ourselves at a crossroads and had to make
some very important decisions on what direction to take. We recognized
and appreciated that there are so many children in the foster care
system that need a forever home. So, we agreed that adopting through
foster care was the best fit for us.
The
first milestone to cross was finding an agency to work with us. I’ll
admit I was leery about how a gay couple (even in Massachusetts) would
be received by the system. Would they hold us in the same regard as our
straight counterparts? Or would we wait longer than a heterosexual
couple because of bias?
From
the very beginning, the agencies we contacted embraced us and assured
us that we would be matched with children based on our ability to care
for the child and provide a loving home and not by our identity. Each
step along the way, we saw small reflections of ourselves that made a
big difference. The mandatory training course that we took was taught by
a lesbian mom who had also adopted through foster care years before. In
ourclass was another gay couple. The panelist of adoptive parents who
came into class to share their adoption stories also included a gay
couple. The resource materials we were given included information for
LGBT families. It was so impressive how inclusive the Massachusetts
system is of the LGBT community. When we finished the pre-work and began
ramping up the matching process, our positive experiences continued and
we soon accepted that our identity as a gay couple would not influence
access or decisions on the part of those charged with finding permanent
and loving homes for awaiting children.
One
of the first things we learned about the boys who would ultimately join
our family was that they were brothers who had been living in separate
foster homes for years. At the time when we were ready to adopt, serious
consideration was being given to adopting them out separately, since it
is so difficult to find adoptive parents who want more than one child
at a time. It was unlikely that these boys would ever find a home
together. We all found each other just in time.
I
wonder about those states where the LGBT community is restricted from
adopting through foster care. How many siblinggroups are permanently
ripped apart simply because there is no one to adopt them? What if my
boys had lived in one of those states? Chances are, they would either
spend their entire childhood in the foster care system or be adopted out
to separate families. Luckily, we’ll never know.
As
we move forward to finalizing our adoption, my boys now finally have
their forever home and will grow up together as it should be. They will
never know the pain of separation again. My partner and I will finally
realize our dream of becoming parents. I can’t help feeling incredibly
lucky – lucky to live in a state that recognizes that my ability to
parent a child is not determined by my gender or sexual identity. But
many LGBT people are not solucky. They are still barred from adopting
through foster care. But, who’s more unlucky? Is it the LGBT couple who
want to adopt but can’t or those thousands of single and sibling groups
of children in the system who are needlessly waiting to find their
forever home? For our boys, what matters isn’t that they now have two
dads, but that they have a loving and permanent place to call
home…together.
Bill Lorenz is the Director of Finance and Administration for Family Equality Council. In 2011, Bill and his partner adopted two children from foster care and live in Nahant, Massachusetts along with their two dogs.
Blog posts represent the opinion of the author, not necessarily Forward Together or Strong Families.